I feel very lucky to know my mother’s cousin’s children’s son because now I won’t marry them. You’re still stuck in the first line trying to figure it out? Don’t. I also don’t know what I mean. Anyway, I am happy and honoured to know my roots. The branches of this tree though, I really can’t keep up. I shit you not that every year when we meet there’s always a cousin or an aunt who’s given birth to twins, there’s a kid who calls me grandma and there are others who are 3 weeks old that I should be calling ‘anko’. By the way Oxford Dictionary should consider changing the word to anko because it’s so hard to pronounce the whole word ati u-n-c-l-e. Aint nobody got time for that.
We meet once a year as a whole family. I would probably grow a beard if we met more than once. Honestly, I go for these family gatherings just because of the orgasm (Note: not mouthgarsms but orgasm)the Nyamachoma gives me, oh yes, natetemeka. Ghafla bin vu, ata kabla nimwage, kamtu kanaanza kuniuliza,
“Nani kssksskss, what are you doing with your life?”
“At the moment, the Nyamachoma is giving it to me real nice and slow just the way I like it.” I answer. Well, I thought I did answer until I realized the old man was really staring at me wondering why the hell I was making all those weird faces if you know what I mean wink,wink.
So I sipped my kathufu and actually responded this time around, “Ni kusoma tu.”
“Soma kabisa.Lazima upate first class honours, Masters na Ph.D. ndio mahari ikuwe mingi.”
Excuse me but this business of making me feel like clothes just waiting for the ‘Prada’ label to be more valuable is absurd. So nikifika degree mtaniuza kwa bei ya jioni? Na nikifika high school? Bei ya njugu karanga?
Before I get all fired up with all the drama around dowry, let me just you tell how much I love the family bonfires. I loooooooove them. There’s nothing more to say because that ‘chama’ of aunts, your mother being the ‘Mother Superior’, always ruins it with their questions.
“Naskianga siku hizi unatembeanga na rastaman usiku”, “Mbona siku hizi unafail exams? Ni boyfriend?”, “Kwa nini uliweka tattoo? Unajua hautaenda heaven?”, “Sasa juu ulitoboa mapua ukipata homa utafanya?”
Fuck! Go work for MI5 it seems CIA is teaching you to ask the wrong questions. Ah! These questions suck the water and minerals out of me. I don’t understand what these relatives want. I should not have a boyfriend but I should magically be married by the time I am 25 years old. How? Do you think Angel Gabriel will appear in my dreams and be like “Hail oh favoured one, tomorrow at the well you shall meet Kamotho who you will marry and have seven children with”? No, my people. Things have changed and you need to keep up. You might be telling your child to stay away from boys/girls, but it’s the girls she is interested in or the boy he’s into or self-gratification. Huwezijua. There is only so much you can do. Hiyo ingine wachia Mungu.
Moving on swiftly, ebu let me ask must we all be called Waitherero? It’s overwhelming when your Grandpa calls for Waitherero and 20 of you turn up only to be told that he wanted ‘Waitherero mkubwa.’ Ugh sisi wote ni wakubwa. Be a bit more specific, Papa, like ‘Waitherero tall, dark and beautiful’. Yup that’s me! …and with a fine bootie. Incest! Yuck!
Lastly, dear cousins and youths of the family lol, please attend family gatherings. Do you think those people you call bros will pay for your dowry or spit on your children to bless them? Hiyo mate by the way hufanya kazi. Usijifanye ati “yuck …eeew” na kazi yako ni kukiss kila mtu ukimeza tu hiyo mate.
As cliché as it might sound, family is very important regardless of how much you hate your uncle or sister. There is also so much you can learn from your people too.
…you nah mean?