NEVER HAD I EVER

Let’s play a game.

Never had I ever…

Never had I ever thought as a child that I would be the one shouting ‘DJ ongeza volume’. I hated loud music. I would block my ears with my palms and think to myself, “What’s wrong with these teenagers? Can’t they hear the music at volume 10?” Now I’m just about to send a petition to Sony to manufacture speakers that can reach volume 200.

Never had I ever thought as a child that I would go to a club. Me? No! Never. How do you stay up all night in the cold with a short dress and not die? Would there be a difference between you and a night runner really? Don’t bad things happen in the dark? So what are you trying to prove? That you’re batman?  But now you should see me singing ‘Kalale ati ati nini kalale eeh’.

Last round, never had I ever thought I would drink alcohol because I was told it’s a sin. I highly doubted this since Jesus turned water into wine and not to porridge for a reason but who was I to question? So I promised myself to never drink alcohol or take drugs. I couldn’t imagine the trumpet sounding and I’m left here on earth singing ‘Ke-ro-ro’. I couldn’t imagine missing all the good stuff – streets of gold, milk and honey mmh…that’s the dream man!

Once I remember seeing a beer in the fridge and I was like wooh someone’s going to hell hehe. I won’t lie though, I was quite curious to know how it tasted, smelt and felt. A few years down the line and what I can say is yuck- for the taste, eew-for the smell but yeeeeess baby- for the after effect. Yes to all the crazy fun nights! Yes to having no memory of what happened the previous night. I mean, how else would you know it was a lit night? Yes to piecing together the next day all the drama that took place the previous night. Yes yes yes to all that jazz.

Then there’s the day you actually realize ‘pombe si supu’. Stress on actually realize. It does not have to get to an extreme for you to know this, but if you have, have you ever found yourself wondering…

Why do I drink? Kwani ni lazima nikunywe hadi niokotwe? I don’t have to get drunk, rowdy, and wasted. I could just drink politely and bond with my friends. That would be nice for a change.  And if I decide to drink politely, let it remain polite si ati one minute I’m just chilling the next minute I’m the bartender and customer in the club. But will I really have fun without getting wasted? Aiii I highly doubt I will be able to maintain that energy. It’s like expecting a vehicle to run without fuel. Oh c’mon just give it a try. Or maybe it’s a phase. It must be because ile kuchoma enye nimechoma haha heri kuni.

But after all is said and done, the question remains, do you know how to control yourself? I don’t mean if you know the 100 ways to cure a hangover or the 50+ ways to drink and not get drunk quickly. I am asking, do you know when to say it’s enough or when to say no? Sisemi ati watu wasikunywe because enjoyment ni muhimu, naseme ujitambue tu. Lightweights oya? Wewe si tanker. Please jikubali. Heavyweights,  nyinyi ni tankers si trailers. Don’t exceed your limit.

…younahmean?

Sidenote: Have you ever thought whether you are being your true self after getting drunk?

The fact is, kama wewe ni Maina before ulewe utabaki Maina after ulewe. This means that you are your true self only that you care less. You see, normally you would evaluate your circumstances and make sound decisions but now that you’re drunk, you don’t give a damn, you don’t give a d…d…d…daammn.

This makes me to lowkey wish the world was drunk so that we all don’t give a damn and just be ourselves, takes risks, and accept new experiences. On that note, chukueni konyagi on my bill!