Mabibi na mabwana, I present to you some of the things that university has fantamagorgeously flabbergasted me:
- Everyone in university is fornicating or at least pretending to. There’s a look people give you when you declare that you are a virgin that can make you doubt if one of the Ten Commandments says “thou shall not walk on the streets of university as a virgin.” There’s also this look people give you when you tell them you’re not a virgin that could seriously make you feel like you are the one who literally nailed Jesus to the cross. It’s all confusing but you know what…you can choose to lose your virginity OR keep it intact OR think of it as a sexual debut meaning that it all focuses on you, sweety pie. Let’s not make a big deal out of either situation because it’s a personal issue not a community based project. I mean, there’s no water, there’s an outbreak of diseases and power blackouts in the country but we choose to focus on people’s sexual life, really? Where are our priorities?
- There are people who have been living together for 6 months and they have no idea they are legally married. Wait till the day you guys break up and your girlfriend, or should I say wife, claims half your wealth na saa hizo half your wealth ni kitanda na sufuria ya ugali hahaha.
- Relationships ziliachiwa ships za kina Alehandro wa Telemundo. Oops! Bad joke alert. But honestly, I think that if there is anything harder than exams is university relationships. Hakuna mtu wa mtu huko. ‘Your girl’ belongs to Kamau, Ochieng’, Shirandula and his community and ‘your guy’ belongs to the streets of California, Kenya, wherever the hell that is. The ones that survive relationships are those that either break up every other day or they are just ordained by Eli the High Priest.
- Drugs and alcohol are the easiest thing to access. I mean maji na stima zinaweza potea lakini si pombe. Heri watu waoshange mikono na Konyagi na wakaushe mikono na moshi ya sigara. I mean, people would rather light the room with blunts than have actual lights. Another thing I had no idea happens is that guys drink from Monday to Monday. Kwani hamtambui Sabbath? Kwani hamwogopi Mungu?
- Oxford Dictionary should update the definition of clubbing to ‘kuchafua rada, meza na kila kitu’ because heeeeeeeeeh! People are wildin’ leopard na cheater kando. Soma kwa bidii by the way ndio watoto wako wasiseme leopard ni cheetah. Anyway, have you ever gone to a house party and you feel like your life has never been the same again? Good! Let me fill you in. House parties are a NO-GO ZONE because the shit that goes down there is PG 76. No no no… PG NEVER IN A GAZILLION YEARS. Next time you find yourself in one jifanye hauonangi, hauskiangi, hauongeangi, hukulangi, hukunywangi…kila kitu kanusha kwa “ngi”.
- Reading in university is as hard as telling your parents that you’re dropping out to be a musician. Aki the responses your parents will give you oh my days…utanyamba mayai boilo. ‘Ati si uimbe zile ‘D’ zote unapatanga kwanza’ ama ‘kama unawezaimba periodic table yote unaweza kuwa musician and they know very well that you have no idea what the first element is. It’s normally funny how no one can mention the 7 groups the Nazi wanted to exterminate but everyone, even the ones who don’t take alcohol, can mention 7 types of alcohol that they can EXTERMINATE. What saddens the most is the fact that guys just aim at not getting retakes or a supplementary. Have you ever found yourself saying, “Aki Mungu nipatie D ya 40 points tu nisipate retake na sifa na shukrani zitakurudia”? That’s so me. But you know what,shame on me! Shame on you! I don’t know about you but my folks have been praying for way too long saying our daughter is the head and never the tail. Sasa ndio mimi huyu nang’ang’ana kufikia mkia aiiiii jiheshimu nani!
But on a rather adulting note, amidst the “wow is this really happening or that happened or I failed this or I messed this up” put effort to make better decisions. Nobody can decide for you every time but what I can tell you… usiwahi kula mutura mchana.
Decisions ma’ friend…you nah mean?